Please help me understand the allure of online poker.

Seriously folks, help me understand this.  Is online poker really poker at all?  Isn't this game about sitting down at a table with real cards and real people?  I guess my seven year old probably thinks that Super Mario Kart Wii is really driving.

Maybe I'm just a simple donkey, but I'm not getting it.  If I'm going to blow $500K, I want at least a free drink to go with it.  Or maybe there's some equivalent comp that these guys are getting out of the whole deal that I don't know about.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's something more like this:  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=123538423 (or, for the scientists among you, this:  http://www.pnas.org/content/early/2010/02/02/0910230107.full.pdf+html?sid=d6712430-2ecd-42f8-929f-4c19d8046758).  And for the lazy-asses among you, the punchline is brain damage can lessen the natural aversion to risk-taking. Been dropped on you head lately?

[On a side note, for these studies "people" clearly does not = "poker players".  Take this as evidence:  "Across many studies, losses typically loom about 1.5-2 times as large as gains:  for instance, people will avoid gambles in which they are equally likely to either lose $10 or win $15..." (emphasis added)]

Now, before you start accusing me of getting all high and mighty by accusing online poker players with either being brain damaged or compulsive gamblers, I will reiterate that I play poker (the live version) every Friday night (and then some, if I can present a convincing argument to my wife and kids as to why that's necessary).  And I have no regulatory obligation to present anti-gambling messages on this blog (if you feel that you have a gambling problem, please visit http://www.harrahs.com/; they'll roll out the red carpet for you, Mr. Watanabe http://online.wsj.com/article/SB125996714714577317.html).

It's just that I really don't understand online poker.  Please help.

On The Care and Feeding of Your Donkey

Many thanks to Wikihow for the inspiration here. For their complete and accurate guidance please click here:  http://www.wikihow.com/Care-for-a-Donkey.  The similarities in husbandry between the animal and the poker donk are UNNERVING.

1. Provide your donkey with a good home.  A good home game is crucial to the health and well-being of your donkey.  Provide a comfortable environment for your donkey.  Padded chairs are nice.  Donkey's like to be comfy and feel at home.  A few flatscreen TVs are also a plus.  They tend to keep your donkey entertained when he's not playing a hand (thus, he won't be watching them much) or even when he is playing a hand.

2.  Build decent fencing.  Translation:  Don't let your donkey either (a) run away from you or (b) or get roped into someone else's home game.  Donkey's don't mind the fencing.  Just like any other pet, they need and want boundaries.

3.  Keep your donkey’s water supply available and accessible.  Have beverages available.  Keep a small fridge nearby, and keep it stocked.  Donkeys play better when hydrated, de-hydrated and drunk.  Crown Royal Canadian Whisky is preferred.  http://www.crownroyal.com/gateway.aspx?page=http%3a%2f%2fwww.crownroyal.com%2fhome.aspx

4.  Feed your donkey properly, give appropriate treats & dietary supplements and keep a donkey’s feeding area clean.  Wait, didn't I say "Don't Feed the Donkey"?  With donkeys, paradoxes abound.  They honestly believe that they're playing "poker," after all.  In truth, their favorite snacks are carrots.  Feed them some.  Popcorn, freshly baked cookies. Anything that will keep them coming back week after week after week...

5.  Let your donkey get extra exercise in winter.  Schedule a few extra games at the end of the year.  There are lots of holidays thrown in there, so optimize the schedule.  Four day weekend?  Invite him over twice. 

6.  Provide your donkey with companionship.  Be nice.  The donkey is your "friend".  You want him around.  Don't criticize too much, or he might actually test out the decency of your fencing (See instruction #2 above).  Do you know more than one donkey?  Invite them both over.  Know three donkeys?  The more the merrier.  Donkeys like to play with other donkeys just so they can feel, in their heart of hearts, that they're better than SOMEONE.

7.  Keep vaccinations & worming up–to-date, be vigilant about hoof care and check your donkey’s teeth regularly.  OK, I'll admit it.  The analogy is breaking down here, but who wants to play cards with a parasitic, dirty footed donkey with crap stuck between his teeth?

Is it about the money?

It is, and it isn't. At least for me. I'll explain.

I'm not a professional poker player. My bankroll is not how I make my living. I have financial, planning, law practice, and a wealthy wife for all I need. But, I do play to win.

In the game we all love, money is how we keep score. Am I upset all week If I had a losing session? You bet! (pun intended) Do I think of how I could have played better until the next session? Count on it.

Am I excited if I banked a big win? You know it. There is nothing better then cashing in a big win! Well, maybe felting your "friend" and getting to brag about it is better. But not by much.

I play to have fun. I have fun by winning, and joking and teasing my friends. The only way to win when plaing poker is to end up with more chips and thus more money then you started with.

So is it about the money? No. I'm not going to spend it. I just keep growing my bankroll. Does it matter to me that I have more in my bankroll then last year not really. But am I happy that I win more then I lose? Absolutely! If I lost more, I would not enjoy playing. Because I like to win.

So is it about the money? No. Its about winning.

Snow bound

Well I am posting my first blog after our area has been walloped by two snow storms of record proportions. Baltimore, my home, has gotten about 3 1/2 feet of snow in the last 4 days. That is what we usually get in a year. I have cabin fever and just want to play poker. Even If I have to take my 9 year olds money, I'm going to find a game!

My problem is after not having played for so long, that I will want to play every hand. We all know that will not be good for the bank roll. It is hard to make sure that no matter how badly you want to play, gamble, etc. that you go into the game with the right mindset. I usually try to find one player at the table that I want to tilt. There are multiple ways of doing this. My favorite is to point out his/her tells as they make them. Not give it away mind you simply tell them oh you just did your "Thing". I have to fold/or raise you all in. Get in their head. Let them know you can read them and they go nuts. They change their style of play to adjust. Once they are off their game, youve got them.

Remember keep your mind set, and try to get others off their game.

Have fun and don't feed the donkey.

Donkey (A haiku)

Donkey: A haiku

Sun shines on my fur

Shove with Kd-Jh; Flop broadway

Felt your set of As

-The Hungry Donkey

Does anyone REALLY think you're Gus Hansen?

Dear Donkeys:

The next time you're thinking about playing cards (casino, home game, whatever...), try out this recipe for success. You have my good-house-keeping seal of approval on this one. With a 100% money-back guarantee, and no questions asked blogger protection.

1. Don't shave for a week (sorry girls, this might not work for you). NOTE: If you're 18 (or whatever the average age for a "poker pro" is nowadays), spend a few weeks with this step. Concentrate.

2. In your spare time (you stopped shaving, remember) stop by a drug store, flea market or wherever your local highway patrolman points you when you ask him where he got those oversized, mirrored sunglasses, and pick up a pair of shades.

3. Just one stop left (still plenty of time since this not shaving gig has freed up most of your day). You need a new shirt. Don't worry, your old dirty jeans are fine, but you do need a shirt, so get to Armani Exchange. DO IT NOW. Need more help: http://www.omiru.com/index.php/2007/08/08/qa-cool-clubbing-clothes-for-guys/

4. Now, put on your new outfit, and pick a card room, any card room. Your home game? Wynn Las Vegas? Perfecto. Venue doesn't matter. Pick a table, any table. 1-2 Limit Hold 'em? 5-10 NLH? 10-20 O8B with a kill? Table doesn't matter.

5. Now, play.

That's right. Play your first hand (no, don't fold that). Show it down. Play your second hand (no, don't fold that either). Show it down. PLAY EVERY DAMN HAND. K-J offsuit, 9-3 suited, Q-9-6-2 rainbow (yes, you get four cards to yourself in Omaha, kiddo), whatever. Doesn't matter. You're Gus Hansen. GUS HANSEN, DAMNIT!!! You can't lose. There's no damn way. Image is everything, remember?

Not winning? Bet more. It's called a bluff. Well, with you, semi-bluff at the worst since you got game. Bluffs not working? Bet more. Bet your whole stack. Just say, "all in". It's fun!!! Say it to yourself right now, "all in". Say it to your dog. Teach your parrot to say it. When you sign in for a table in the card room, use it as your name.

"All in."

Sounds cool. Feels cool. It IS cool.

Just say it, and sit stock still behind your glasses. And, don't worry: when you have a hand, you'll win; and when you don't, everyone will fold. It's that easy. Just one more tip: if you're heads up, and it looks like your opponent is going to call you down and you've got SQUAT, pretend you're anxious to turn over your cards. That'll do it. Now you're golden. That's all there is to it.

Just ask Gus. I'm sure he'll agree.