Does anyone REALLY think you're Gus Hansen?

Dear Donkeys:

The next time you're thinking about playing cards (casino, home game, whatever...), try out this recipe for success. You have my good-house-keeping seal of approval on this one. With a 100% money-back guarantee, and no questions asked blogger protection.

1. Don't shave for a week (sorry girls, this might not work for you). NOTE: If you're 18 (or whatever the average age for a "poker pro" is nowadays), spend a few weeks with this step. Concentrate.

2. In your spare time (you stopped shaving, remember) stop by a drug store, flea market or wherever your local highway patrolman points you when you ask him where he got those oversized, mirrored sunglasses, and pick up a pair of shades.

3. Just one stop left (still plenty of time since this not shaving gig has freed up most of your day). You need a new shirt. Don't worry, your old dirty jeans are fine, but you do need a shirt, so get to Armani Exchange. DO IT NOW. Need more help: http://www.omiru.com/index.php/2007/08/08/qa-cool-clubbing-clothes-for-guys/

4. Now, put on your new outfit, and pick a card room, any card room. Your home game? Wynn Las Vegas? Perfecto. Venue doesn't matter. Pick a table, any table. 1-2 Limit Hold 'em? 5-10 NLH? 10-20 O8B with a kill? Table doesn't matter.

5. Now, play.

That's right. Play your first hand (no, don't fold that). Show it down. Play your second hand (no, don't fold that either). Show it down. PLAY EVERY DAMN HAND. K-J offsuit, 9-3 suited, Q-9-6-2 rainbow (yes, you get four cards to yourself in Omaha, kiddo), whatever. Doesn't matter. You're Gus Hansen. GUS HANSEN, DAMNIT!!! You can't lose. There's no damn way. Image is everything, remember?

Not winning? Bet more. It's called a bluff. Well, with you, semi-bluff at the worst since you got game. Bluffs not working? Bet more. Bet your whole stack. Just say, "all in". It's fun!!! Say it to yourself right now, "all in". Say it to your dog. Teach your parrot to say it. When you sign in for a table in the card room, use it as your name.

"All in."

Sounds cool. Feels cool. It IS cool.

Just say it, and sit stock still behind your glasses. And, don't worry: when you have a hand, you'll win; and when you don't, everyone will fold. It's that easy. Just one more tip: if you're heads up, and it looks like your opponent is going to call you down and you've got SQUAT, pretend you're anxious to turn over your cards. That'll do it. Now you're golden. That's all there is to it.

Just ask Gus. I'm sure he'll agree.